I'm off to Scotland to conduct some empirical research into social conditioning. My hypotheses are as follows:
1. Conditioned by a lifetime of measuring her self worth in terms of how well she cooks and cleans for her family, my mother will, given any opportunity, offer to prepare the entire contents of her fridge for me. Such offers will be repeated approximately every 10 minutes regardless of how often I say, "No thanks, mum, I'm really not hungry."
2. Conditioned by years of me living in cheese-free zones, my mother will, given any opportunity, thrust blue cheese upon me despite the fact that I now live in England, home to many fine varieties of blue cheese.
3. Conditioned by 15 years of living alone and having no friends, my mother will tell me the same stories she has told me every single time I've seen her, with minor embellishments added each time for dramatic effect. She shall not be deterred by feedback along the lines of, "Yes, mum, you told me."
4. Conditioned by a single comment 28 years ago, my mother will, given any opportunity, buy Thornton's special toffee for me in the unshakeable belief that I consider it a rare treat.
5. Conditioned by 25 years of not living with my mother, I will be clenching my fists in exasperation within 48 hours of entering her company. I will then feel guilty for being such a selfish, snobbish brat and will eat large quantities of blue cheese, toffee and other disgusting items from my mother's fridge before sinking into a quiescence of self-loathing.
4 comments:
It's only been since my mother died that I've realised that a) there were some factual mistakes in some of the oft-told stories and now I can't ask her about them and b) that there were other more interesting stories, never told which never will be.
And at least the cheese isn't deep fried.
And in retrospect you will look back and miss these times.
God sorry... wallop me with an piece of blue cheese why don'tyou...
Z, I'm sure my mother is just telling the slices of the past that present her in a positive light and there are probably other more interesting ones.
Yes, Rog, and at least there's no mince with worms in it, as there used to be when I was a child.
Macy, consider yourself walloped.
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