Meme

This one's been going around, I got it from GSE.

1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT
Right thigh, kind of a messy looking dent. I tried to intervene in a dog fight and got bitten. My own fault. I probably should have got stitches, but I was too macho.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Which room? The terms of our lease do not allow us to make any holes in the walls, so nothing but the hideous beige wallpaper that lives there.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR PHONE LOOK LIKE.
Blue and metally, with numbers?

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Depends on my mood – Sigur Ros, Bach, Bowie.

5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
Mr Morley. I’m in love with him.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
More sleep and more sunshine (can I have 2 things?)

7. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE?
I don’t exactly believe in any marriage. Seems a bit bonkers to me.

8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
No idea.

9. ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL TOGETHER?
Well, my father’s dead, but my mum still loves him.

10. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
The sound of the rain, the occasional car passing and a brave wee birdie chirruping on the telegraph pole outside.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED OF THE DARK?
Don’t be ridiculous.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Me I should think.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I don’t normally go in for perfumes, but Beast smells heavenly with Terre D’Hermes on.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
It’s personality I’m after really, but I do quite like brown eyes.

15. DO YOU LIKE PAIN KILLERS?
Better than pain I suppose.

16. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Yes.

17. FAVE PIZZA TOPPING?
Ruccola and possibly a wee dod of blue cheese.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A ruccola and blue cheese pizza now that I've conjured up the idea.

19. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
The girl sitting next to me on the train sniffing incessantly whilst putting on her foundation, blusher, powder, eyeliner, mascara and lipgloss. Do it in the fucking house and blow your nose!

20. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
I wish Mr Morley was.

Medical research

Timorous Beast sits at the computer, clutching his breast.

"I don't think it's angina. It says here that's after exherting yourself or getting stressed."

I raise one eyebrow in response. Beast looks rather grumpy, but otherwise rosy cheeked and wholesome. He peers at the screen, brow furrowed, spoon pausing between a once-enormous bowl of porridge and his mouth while he reads.

"It's definitely not a heart attack."

I look up from my papers. "You wouldn't be sitting there stuffing your face with oats if you were having a heart attack. Don't be ridiculous."

"Don't take the piss darling, it's not funny. I'm concerned about my health here!"

I say nothing. We have already talked about him visiting the doctor on Monday morning, getting more exercise, eating less ice cream and so forth. His research proceeds in silence for the next few minutes, until, with a heavy sigh, he announces,

"It doesn't sound like pleurisy"

Slight miscalculation

When I accepted my new teaching post at the women’s university, I made the mistake of not actually asking about the pay. Normally I wouldn’t be so lax, but I got the job because someone recommended me and I had already talked to that someone about it in general terms. At the interview, the head of department was upfront about the fact that the salary was not great, but this was compensated for by the motivated students, nice working environment etc etc. Safe in the knowledge that it had to be somewhere within a certain ballpark, I didn’t press the matter.

My payslip arrived this week, written in Japanese. Nonetheless, it does not take a genius to work out where it says “month” and “pay”. But I was puzzled. Did this figure refer to the pay per week, even though it clearly said “month”? Or perhaps it applied to the pay per class? It couldn’t possibly be the monthly total, as that would mean I was working for less per hour than unqualified conversation school teachers and for less than I get paid to twiddle my thumbs at my "editing" job. I asked the head of department, who rather sheepishly confirmed that the figure on the payslip was indeed the “grand total” per month, for all my courses. It’s roughly four times less than I thought it would be and about 20% of what I get paid at the other university. Clearly, I don’t deserve to be a paid as lecturer if I can’t even work out my own salary.

Things on his mind

As Freud would have it, slips of the tongue reveal our repressed desires. If this also applies to spelling errors, Timorous Beast’s dual preoccupations have been laid bare by The Guardian quick crossword.

Clue: Unshod (8)

My answer: Barefoot
Beast’s answer: Barefood


Clue: Accompaniment to Christmas Fayre (6,6)

My answer: Brandy butter
Beast’s answer: Brandy buttom

Paradise lost

The Beast and I are thinking of moving. Our current flat was called Paradise when we moved here, on the grounds that it had two toilets and a flight of stairs. To be fair, it was much nicer than the place we lived in before. It is a great place, but it is located on the dark side of Tokyo. No one lives here. Everyone and his dog lives on the other side of town and either asks, “where?” or grimaces when we tell them when we live. It’s on Tokyo’s busiest section of metro, and you’ve all seen the images of the rush hour, with staff specially employed to push commuters bodily onto already overstuffed trains and doors straining to close. A flat on the other side of Tokyo would be more expensive, but this in itself is not really a problem now that Beast has his new job as Big Cheese. What does get my goat is the prospect of shelling out somewhere in the region of 5000 quid before I have even stepped over the threshold. In Japan, the norm is to be asked for 2 months deposit, 2 months “key money”, an agency fee and 1 month’s rent up front. Key money is money you give to the landlord to thank him for the privilege of paying him over the odds to live in his 12 square metre shithole. It’s not returnable. To add insult to injury, tenants have to have a guarantor too, and yes, this even applies to lecturers and Big Cheeses in their forties. Maybe we’ll stay in Paradise…

Virtual friends

A year and a half ago I went for a drink with two strangers I’d “met on the Internet”. I was scared, although to be fair I was more afraid of them thinking me a weirdo than of them being weirdos themselves. Coupled with the fear of being even more boring than your blog, there’s explaining to your “real” friends what you are doing. As someone pointed out last night, when you are asked whom you are meeting it helps to be able to give an actual name or at least a credible-sounding nickname. Admitting that you are going for a drink with “someone called Timorous Beastie” is bound to raise eyebrows (although perhaps not to the same extent as announcing you are off to the pub with, say, “a Great She Elephant”). Anyway, the two strangers turned out to be really nice and we ended up going out several times. Last night I did it again, meeting up with four bloggers, two of whom I had never clapped eyes on before. They were all quite lovely and I had a great time sitting in a little cubby-hole in Shinjuku drinking, eating and sharing stories with them. Thanks Jo, Boo, Sigsy and Nik.