Five boring things

1. I have always had a nagging suspicion that I was switched at birth with another child and was being brought up by strange creatures with whom I had nothing in common. I thought this was because I was a freak and didn't notice anything inherently odd about my family until I was about 25, at which time I realised that most people consider their family strange. Nonetheless, I may as well walk around with “I am from the planet Zorg” written on my chest when I am “home”.

2. I have no desire to bear any offspring (surprise surprise).

3. My dream job would be running a shelter for old dogs. The problem with this as an ambition is that it doesn’t exactly meet the criteria of “job” being as no-one would pay me to do it.

4. I can’t drive, and harbour a secret ambition to get through my life without ever learning. But I’d also like to live in the countryside, where driving would probably be necessary.

5. I once spent Christmas Eve in the Sahara fighting off a randy Berber. I wasn't successful.

Now I am tagging Mancboomerang, Jo, Boo, Liisa (who might have done this before and if so can make up something else), and Diddums.

Me me

I have been tagged by Chaucer's Bitch, and I promise I'll do it; I'm just trying to think up/make up 5 things about me that anyone might actually want to hear. I am world's most boring Beastie.

Love, death and dribble

Beast and I went to Yoyogi Park to see the autumn leaves at the weekend. One has to go to a park to see leaves in Tokyo, because there are no trees anywhere else. On the way, we saw this guy sharing the love. We also saw this girl.

Inside the park it was dark and grey, the temperature was around 6 degrees, and the trees were various shades of green, just like they are the rest of the year. But we are not easily put off, so we lay down on the grass to read anyway. Around an hour later, with a start and a dead leg, I woke up to find Beast slumbering heavily on my thigh, a trail of dribble and the imprint of my jeans running down his cheek.

You know you've been in Japan too long when:

• Your train is 3 minutes late and you are pissed off about it

• You can’t remember which hand to hold a fork in

• You don’t lock your door at night

• You no longer flinch at the sound of unrestrained public sniffing

• You consider it normal to find beans and potatoes in your mid-morning cake

Swirl and sniff

Beast and I went to wine school, where we sat, in very pleasant surroundings, at a table with charming old couple, whose faces creased into indulgent pleasure when one of them won a bottle of wine. By the second glass of wine, I had fallen in love with them despite the fact that we hadn't actually exchanged a word in the way of conversation. We were guided through tasting notes for three whites and three reds, and I was delighted to be able to detect the aroma of toffee in a Sauvignon Blanc, and warm, cinnamony, Christmassy flavours in a delicious Pinot Noir. By the time we got to the sixth wine, the servings had grown, food was being served and glasses were being refilled, all of which conspired to blunt both my taste buds and my ability to articulate words of more than two syllables. Drunk and happy by 5pm, we stumbled downstairs for coffee and cake before leaving.

Anti-climax

The BBC website announced last night that Japan and Russia were on tsunami alert after a massive earthquake off the Kuril Islands. Japanese TV channels broadcast emergency warnings, hundreds of people were evacuated from homes near the coast, and a flashing red message remained on the screen throughout Desperate Housewives. Beast and I had our life vests and paddles at the ready. The predicted 2 metre high tsunami finally showed up in Northern Hokkaido as a 16 inch breaker. No one was hurt and not so much as a ripple was noted in Tokyo.

Sick and unworthy

What is it about human nature that makes people alone in lifts want to draw penises with drips of spunk coming out the end on the walls and people (i.e. me) alone and faced with a family-sized packet of crisps, pretzels or any similar such despicable snack food, eat the entire packet in one sitting?

Education, Scottish style

We've had literacy Scottish style, now let's have a look at education in general Scottish style.

For a school project, Youngest Nephew was tasked with presenting information to his class about Christmas traditions in other countries. Because I have lived in several such countries, he asked me for some info, which I duly gave him. He prepared a nice presentation, complete with pictures and little snippets of Czech language, about Christmas in the Czech Republic. Youngest Nephew has had some difficulties with school of late, and so armed with the rare advantage of a family member who has lived abroad for many years, was keen to impress. In his enthusiasm, he added some information about Christmas in Japan, proudly telling his class that because Japan was mainly Buddhist, not Christian, Christmas was mostly a commercial endeavour there. His idiot teacher then corrected him and announced to the class that Japan was a Christian country. Crestfallen, Youngest Nephew nonetheless had the wit to protest that he was sure he was right because his aunt lived there. “Don’t be silly” replied his teacher; obviously a boy at the bottom of his class in a working class school could never have an aunt living in Japan much less a better knowledge of the religion there than her.

My sister wasted no time in putting her right at the parents’ night, which, by happy coincidence, was held a couple of days later.

Headline news

Although I am far from the country of my birth, both psychologically and physically, I do still, from time to time, click on the “Scottish news” section of the BBC to find out what nature of complaint ails them these days. Today the headline trumpeted: Building Underway on Affordable Homes. My first reaction was, "What has the world come to when the fact that homes are affordable is news?". My next reaction was "Wow, this must be a big project". I read further to find out exactly how many affordable homes it takes to make the headlines in Scotland. The answer is 14. Fourteen new homes are being built, for a population of 5 million. Now that really is news.

Thank you, God

The prayers of millions of people have come true. I am, of course, talking about the defeat of the swivel-eyed maniacs in the US government. Better late than never.

And apologies to any literate readers who were wondering where the t in Pinot had gone.

A prayer

Dear God,
forgive me, for it is six days since my last post. I have sinned by drinking a rich, spicy red with Greek food, a chilled Chablis with French food and rosy Pino Grigio, that most beleaguered of all grapes, with even more French food. I have not worked on my research at all.

As I was sinning, I began to see the wickedness of my ways and visited a shrine, which while not exactly a house of God, is nonetheless a holy place. I hope you will take this into consideration with respect to the plea I am about to make. At the shrine, I discovered that I am not alone in my desire for the Republicans to go away, and therefore I ask, not only for me, but for all of us down here in Sinsville, please please please Lord, let the Democrats win the Senate as well as the House of Representatives.

Shit hits fan

Two weeks ago, our lovely boss attended the last of our weekly meetings. Then she left and moved to Australia, via the Greek restaurant, karaoke box and Tokyo Ice bar. One week later, we got an email from New-Boss-That-Everyone's-Still-a-Bit-Suspicious-Of-Partly-Because-Old-Boss-

Was-So-Lovely, telling us, in rather curt terms, that the meeting that week was cancelled. Naturally, everyone was a bit suspicious. Today, NBTEISABSOPBOBWSL chaired his first weekly meeting with us. His first words were, “I've resigned”.

Don't let reality influence your opinion!

Against my better judgement, I have just parted with a large wad of cash in exchange for a Mac laptop that I have no particular need for. The seller, you see, was Timorous Beast and he used his wily ways on me.

On another note, the headlines from Washington today declare that the Republicans' pitch for their mid-term election campaign is that the Democrats will expose the USA to terror attacks. The fact that your average Iraqi, Palestinian and probably Iranian and North Korean (not to mention the Afghans and Syrians) is now more likely than ever to hate America and all that it stands for for the next several hundred years is not one that the Republicans appear to be cognizant of. Or at least not one they want the American public to dwell on for too long. Dick Cheney has even pitched in to tell Americans that they shouldn't let events in Iraq colour their views on the Republicans' ability to win any kind of fight against terrorism, because rather than being an indication that America has opened a can of worms over which it has no control whatsoever, it is actually an elaborate ruse to manipulate Americans' voting habits.